I am very afraid of putting myself out there. This is the main reason behind all my procrastination. I always have being afraid to put myself out there.
It just seems a lot safer to stay in my own little world were every character knows me and loves me because I told them to. I don't really know why, but something just made me so afraid of people.
Maybe afraid isn't the right word. I'm really not "afraid" of anything. I'm insecure, doubtful. I second guess myself and all my choices in life and all the things I like and all the things I don't. I think about all those things at least five times before I press "send". I preview everything to make sure it is perfect. No typo allowed. No mistake can be made.
Well, if I make a mistake than people are a lot less likely to like me. Who likes flawed, failed, dumb, stupid humans? I mean, who likes real humans, right? Because we all have our flaws and we all make mistakes and nobody is born knowing anything so at some point you have to make a mistake to learn from it. Who likes humans at all?
I'm so hard on myself I rarely allow myself to do anything I want to do. And it got to a point were I just suppressed some "wishes" for so long they just don't exist anymore. I cannot let me make a mistake. Specially in public.
Honestly, from all the hard things I have learned and from all the things I wen through, learning to make mistakes was the hardest one. Learning to laugh at myself, scream, punch something, throw it all up and start over again. Let people see me smile, laugh, lay my honest thoughts out on the table for everyone to see, be stupid. Allow myself to stay in my pjs all day eating Oreos and watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians (!). I don't have to pe perfect all the time. I don't have to be ready all the time.
Life is not a constant war. We all might have to fight some battles, but you don't have to wear you armor every single day, even to yourself. It is exhausting.
Learning to cry was hard too, on this process of learning to make mistakes. Cry and laugh. I couldn't not do any of them. I had that mute laugh that makes people laugh, and people laughing at me only made it worse. I had to scream a lot to show my vocal chords they had that power. And cry, well, I still call crying when I get teary but no tear falls down. But now my record isn't 3 seconds, is a full 15 minutes sobbing section on my mom's lap and I'm quite proud of it.
To be trapped into the fear of making a mistake and looking ridiculous, to me this hard on yourself, to wear heavy weaponry on a daily basis... I know how tiring that can get. I pushed myself way passed my own breaking point and in a way that was good, because I was so tired and unhappy all I could do was cry. And stay in my pjs watching TV.
That was a long time ago all this lights started happening in my life. A longer time ago there was no light at all. Now I'm fine, I really am. I can laugh, I can cry, I can sleep all I want and I won't punish myself for it, I can speak really loud and I love to share who I am with other people.
But I am still insecure about putting myself out there. I still press preview before send. And I want to win that battle was well.
I know it is odd of me to write and publish a essay on not wanting to publish anything at all, but this is my first step. I need to share something about myself, I need to share the art that's inside of me. I need to share my toughs, my opinions and all my favorite colors. I have to face this insecurity.
It doesn't matter what people say. It doesn't matter how they judge you. I'm looking for the ones that will support me and my art, I'm looking for the ones that see the world like I do. And the only way I'll do that, and the only way I'll calm this craving for sharing my soul with the world is by putting myself out there.
I'll read this every time I feel this way. And, eventually, I will win this battle.